Snakes and I do not get along well. Scratch that. Snakes want to KILL me and I want to run and hide in my impenetrable blanket fort whenever I see one because, well, everyone knows blanket forts keep the evils of the world at bay. I have had a massive phobia of snakes since before I can remember, and of sharks, but that is for another time. The mere sight of a snake gives me heart palpitations and messes with my ability to properly think. I am being quite literal when I say this; my brain absolutely turns to scrambled mush and as a result, my subsequent actions become rash and fool-hearty.
Take, for instance, my encounter with a simple, harmless, minding-its-own-business black Racer Snake. It was a bright, sunshiny day and I had decided to take a walk. So off my teenage, immortal self strode, down the winding dirt roads I called home at the time and away from the house. I took my time, meandering from side to side of the deserted roads, plucking random wild roses and imagining the amazing wedding I would some day have to whatever guy I was currently crushing on. (I was a mite boy crazy as a teen). Occasionally I would stop and belt out a song, envisioning the crowds at the The Grand Ole Opry screaming my name as I mesmerized them with my silver goddess voice. Of course, on the rare occurrence a truck rumbled by me, I quickly shut my mouth. It wouldn't do to have people thinking I was crazy as a loon or anything.
So on I went. About halfway into the walk, the Arkansas humidity was beginning to pool in damp, rubbing spots on my body and I was severely regretting my decision to walk. Only a glutton for heat stroke took a walk in the middle of the day in the Arkansas summer. I wasn't a fool, per se, but I did cause and receive a good deal of strife in my house and so a walk was my escape - from both my actions and my consequences. I reached a fork in the road and to the left, a bare, dry strip stretched out, wavering in the heat, and to the left...Ahaha!!! Shade! Bring it! Shade in the Arkansas heat doesn't mean much except the lack of sun, the temperatures still stay the same. Still, it was shade and I was going that direction for sure. To the right I headed. Plus, I knew that a short ways up the road there was a small trickle of creek that ran across the road. I could stop and soak my face there.
I was about a hundred yards from the creek crossing when I halted in my steps and scrubbed the sweat from my eyelids. I peered ahead of me. Yep. Sure enough. There was a large, black object piled high in the center of the road. Immediately I felt the rise in my heart rate. It was a snake, and a big one at that. He was coiled up in all his scaly glory and, as I saw upon closer inspection, paying absolutely no attention to me whatsoever. It was hot and he had found a cool spot in the dirt and shade. I was simply a nothing passing by. This is what I know in retrospect. At the time, however, this snake was evil and the epitome of my fears and he would KILL me if I turned my back. Never mind that he was a perfectly NON-venomous snake. At the time, my mind went something like this:
It's a Racer! Maybe he hasn't seen me. Oh, crap, I bet he HAS seen me. I bet they aren't called Racers for nothing. He looks huge. And fat. I bet he just ate so maybe he'll be slow. Or maybe he won't. Wait. Isn't there a type of snake in these parts that is super aggressive and will actually chase a person? I'm sure I hear that somewhere. But he isn't moving. Maybe he is dead! Yesss!! Dead, dead, dead-y dead! He's, Ahhhhhhh!!! (Jumps three feet in the air as the snake shifts its head) Okay. Not dead. Very much alive. Oh shoot. Now he's looking at me. Wait a minute. He's a snake. He's a reptile. I'm a human. I'm a brave human and nothing gets the best of me. Maybe I'm only scared of snakes because I've never confronted my fear. Yes. That's it. Now I know what I need to do. You hear that snake? I have to confront you. Get ready for it. I'm coming. I can do this.
And so it went in my head as I carefully, tremblingly took step after step, willing my body closer to the snake. The close I got, unfortunately, the bigger I realized the snake was. When I was about five feet away, I stopped and darted my eyes from side to side. It had dawned on me that I needed a stick to hold the snakes head down and I needed a long one. Lucky for me, the road I was on was encased on either side by bushes and trees. Finding a stick was easy. However, once I had the stick, I discovered I was still too petrified to do much and the stick was thinner than the snakes body. This wouldn't do at all. So I gave myself a deal. I would toss the stick onto the snake and if the snake slithered away, I would not have to confront the snake because I would be allowed to run in abject terror in the opposite direction. If the snake didn't move, I would continue with my confrontation. What snake doesn't move when something lands on it, right?
As my deals with myself tend to go, this particular one backfired and the snake merely readjusted his fat coils as the stick landed across his back. I stood gaping, highly aggravated at the snakes lack of concern for the crazy girl throwing sticks at it. Off I went in search of another stick which I promptly tossed onto the snake and then another. I continued this for another five or six sticks and the snake continued watching me curiously. Finally, I admitted defeat. The snake was getting the best of me, lying there calmly in the road while I darted back and forth grabbing and tossing sticks, letting out puffs and squeaks of terror each time I got near the snake. This would never do. Now or never.
Grabbing a stick as thick as my arm and as long as my body, I darted forward before I could think it through and smashed the stick down just behind the snake's head. If ever a snake could look startled, this one surely did. Instantly, the snake let out a hiss of protest and his coils unfurled...revealing, to my complete dismay, at least five and half feet or more of snake body. This snake was way bigger than I anticipated and now I knew I would die. I had pinned it down and this snake would surely kill me for disturbing it. Now I really had no choice but to grab it up because, well, tossing the stick and walking away was not an option.
Pressing far harder than I am sure was necessary, and shaking like a loose leaf in a hurricane, I worked my way up the stick. The snakes body continued to roil and curl and straighten and the nausea inside of me threatened to spill over. Still, I continued with my task until I was in touching distance at which point, not giving myself a chance to throw up and chicken out, I jabbed my hand out and grabbed for all I was worth the base of the snake's neck. The stick clattered to the ground as I locked my elbow and kept my arm as straight and far from my body as possible. Meanwhile, my feet were doing the horrified, adrenaline dance and the noises I was emitting sounded much like a dying rooster.
Now I had the snake and the snake, probably sensing the stupidity level in the girl holding him, hung limply and calmly from my hand, only the very tip of his tail (which happened to drag on the ground, so long was he) twitching occasionally. What was I going to do. Rational though was slowly attempting to work its way back into my brain and the first flicker of light that came to me was, "What on earth am I going to do with the snake now? It's longer than me and if I put it down it will more than likely bite me on principle alone."
No one would ever believe I had conquered my fear of snakes. Not without proof. Well, proof was currently dangling from my hand. About face. Back up the dirt road I marched, snake trailing, headed for home to show every one that I was brave! It didn't take more than a couple hundred yards for my arm and my head to realize this was a very heavy snake and I had a long way to go. The only problem was that now I had convinced myself that to release the snake was to get bitten. I needed to get to my brothers so they could ooh and ahh over my bravery and then take the snake from me. Forward ho! No stopping now.
By the time I reached our property I was soaked in fear induced, stupidity encouraged, exhausted sweat. Man, did I ever stink! I smelled horrible! In fact, by the time I caught sight of my dad and brother in a field in the distance, I smelled so bad I was even embarrassing myself. Ew! It was like my mom's compost pile had met a sewage dump and the two had played patty-cake and I was the result. Ugh and blech!
Picking up my pace and lifting my chin and planting a smile on my face to show nonchalance and bravery, I hitched the snake higher and approached the edge of the field.
"Dad! James! Check out what I caught!"
My dad glanced up from whatever he and my brother were working on and raised his eyebrows. James perked up and looked slightly impressed although not as impressed as I had hoped he would. "That's a big snake," called James. "Is it a Racer? Why are you choking it like that? It looks dead."
I glanced at the snake. It DID look slightly dead, I admit. I checked my Dad to see what he thought and he was shaking his head, going back to his work. "Toss that thing into the woods, Brook," he ordered. "That thing stinks. They kick off an odor when they get scared. Get rid of it before you stink, too."
Down drooped my face, and down came my arm. The snake stinks when scared? All hopes of impressing others with my so-called bravery faded as I realized the snake was the one with the flavorful scent and the snake was probably more scared of me than I of it. How dare it?! And now I felt like an idiot. I had just gone through several minor heart attacks and a number of ridiculous dance steps aiming to impress people and to prove to myself I could conquer all fears. Ridiculous...again...as usual...only me. Sigh.
Still, all of this didn't ease my fears in releasing the snake any. Assuring I was out of sight of my dad and brother, I jigged from foot to foot as I hovered over a ditch leading into the woods. Counting to three, multiple times, I finally convinced my hand to let go of the snake and I flung with all my might. Which wasn't much. My arm was dead tired and the snake plopped into the soft foliage in front of me. For a minute the snake and I froze, staring at each other. And then, with a single readjustment of his muscles, the snake sent my brave self fleeing down the road as fast as I could possibly go.
By the time I had reached my house, I had come to a very simple conclusion. Some fears should just be left alone.
